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A way to catch up to modern programming techniques

I have been programming, non professionally for about 23 years and find I am a little stuck in my ways. I find a tool I like, and it stays that way for year after year. Unfortunately this means that I am behind the times in my programming.
I am not directly planning on programming professionally per se, however, it is very handy to be able to develop client side (and lately a desire to move to cloud) apps for use by my clients, and also for myself in my day to day work (hardware, network and Internet support services).
Unfortunately, I find that I am having great difficulty in understanding recent concepts, and because I am trapped in programming styles of the 80's and 90's I am finding myself slow to understand concepts.
What I am looking for is suggestions for online and printed material offering real 'intro to concepts' and (separate material) technical usage for modern programming concepts and their usage in Java and C# (all three of which I have had only minimal exposure to).
I would be most obliged.
--UPDATE--
I just want to add in a big thank you to everyone who left a reply or comment to this question.
I have found some wonderful resources due to your recommendations, and a return of my enthusiasm for programming. No longer does the way forward feel like an uphill struggle, and for the first time in the last year or so, the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't look like an oncoming lorry.

Read developers blog. Try to keep a fair amount of resources in your feed reader and go through them every day (or so). Just pick up the things you like.
Most coders write their opinions, their view, and so on. You can learn A LOT by just reading what others do and filtering what you like or find interesting and what you don't. Books are helpful to, but, with 23 years of experience and just wanting to be up to date... I'd recommend blogs...
Some blogs I read:
Coding Horror
Good Idea
Kirill Osenkov
Joel on software
Jon Skeet
Joe Duffy
Byte Bytes
Stackoverflow is a great resource too. Not just for finding answers to your problems but also for reading answers to other problems. Seriously, I've found myself quoting some answer from stackoverflow a lot of times lately... or applying something I've seen here.
For what is worth, being up to date with the current tendencies (like TDD or Aspect Oriented Programming) is like being up to date with the world itself. You get up in the morning, and read the newspaper, maybe just the headlines and then something specific, for about 5 or 10 minutes. Then you read the articles you find interesting but you're somewhat conscious about the most important things that are happening. This is the same, but those blogs (and some others) are your newspaper for the programming world.

Read some newer programming books like The Pragmatic Programmer. This book talks about programming using modern tools, the idioms and techniques, etc.

I lot of "new" concepts are not actually new. Most "modern" language features are derived from early functional languages, for example.
Techniques such as TDD and Agile are just codifications of things that have been done for a long time, just perhaps not in the mainstream. Nor are they hard to understand per se.
I suspect your biggest obstacles will be terminology. You may be used to hearing buzzwords, but when you look at what they mean you just find them explained in terms of other buzzwords.
My recommendation is to persist. Find your way back to where things are explained in terms you can relate to then work back out. Once you've done that with a few concepts you'll feel a lot more confident in tackling more, and have a better idea of which things you really want to concentrate on.
For language related things this is probably easier because you can go back to, for example, Lisp and find the concepts explained in terms of what was familiar in the 60s and before! (of course you can find more recent coverage too).
For design and process related subjects just reading up on their histories in wikipedia should give you some clues.
Keep your focus narrow enough to not be overwhelmed, but broad enough to take account of the eco-system that a tool or technology exists in.

You will need some alternative approach to the topics. I have found the "Heads on..." series to be both entertaining and technically sound.
Have a look on Heads on Java: http://oreilly.com/catalog/9780596009205

If all you want to do is keep up with times, you should read developer blogs. I am not going to give you the regular blog list cause I don't think it's a good idea to depend on 4-7 bloggers for all your info.
Earlier I used to pool all the bloggers in Google reader and my reading list grew to over 400 blogs. That's definitely not going to help.
Better visit websites like codebix.com, dzone.com, to get the latest articles and a little help of the community in selecting the best articles ;).

Personally, I learned a lot from watching lectures and tech talks posted by google. They have a ton of content about software engineering. Watching videos is obviously a very different learning experience than reading but most of the people are very intelligent and are talented speakers.
http://www.youtube.com/GoogleDevelopers
http://www.youtube.com/GoogleTechTalks

It sounds like your programming logic skills are fine. It seems to me like the best way for you to update your skills is to pick up a copy of C# (Express is free) - Or java (I'm a .net guy) and convert one of your old applications, you will then find real world issues and will be able to solve them (With the help of SO) using the 'Modern' methods.
Good luck.

You might find these lectures on functional programming by Erik Meijer enlightening.

Learning Python for a .NET developer [closed]

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I have been doing active development in C# for several years now. I primarily build enterprise application and in house frameworks on the .NET stack.
I've never had the need to use any other mainstream high level languages besides C# for my tasks, since .NET is the standard platform we use.
There are some legacy Python applications that I have been asked to support going forward, I have no exposure to python and dynamic languages in general(although I've done a fair bit of JavaScript).
I was hoping to get some guidance/advise to aid in how to go about learning a language like python for the statically typed mind.
EDIT: Using IronPython is not an option!

Foord and Muirhead's IronPython in Action is an amazingly good book, perfectly suitable for teaching Python to .NET folks as well as teaching .NET to Python folks. I may be biased, as I was a tech reviewer and Foord is a friend, but I've had other cases in the past where a friend wrote a book and I tech reviewed it -- and ended up deciding the book was just wrong and publicly saying so (way to lose friends, but, I just can't tell a lie, not where Python is concerned at least!-)
Edit: If you're forbidden from moving to IronPython (which would probably support your legacy apps just fine, btw), there are better answers: Mark Pilgrim's Dive into Python is often considered the best Python intro for the experienced developer, and my own Python in a Nutshell has been praised as the fastest way onboard for superstar developers. I am of course biased in favor of these -- Mark is a colleague, and my wife was a key tech editor for his book (and my own as well), and obviously I'm biased in favor of my own book too;-). But then, I do tend to be biased towards a lot of the best Python books, as I've either had a hand in their editing, or am friends with their authors, or both;-).

Hardest thing I was confronted to in using python coming from Java was to properly wrap my head around the Duck Typing thing... At first I thought it was just plain horrible and just dressed the hairs on the back on my neck.
Next is the scope by convention, but that one is pretty easy. And the importance of white spaces gave me a few bumps.
However once you ease yourself in the language's concision and speed of development you learn to appreciate it a lot more. After a while I thought it was the best thing that ever happened to me !! :-)
here are a few things that helped me a lot :
First I started with this book and got the basics of the language and for everyday use the Python Quick Reference Card was very helpful. Also the console will be your best ally to try quick things and solidify your learning.
For IDEs, coming from the eclipse world PyDev was a natural choice for me, but there were many more to choose from. But if you are more familiar to the Visual Studio environment the Python Tools for Visual Studio is pretty darn good too.
Good luck, Hopefully you'll find Python as much fun as I did.

There is a big initial hurdle of getting comfortable with dynamic typing. The first step is when you look at Python-code and realize that variables aren't defined anywhere, you just create them out of thin air, which feels like jumping over a cliff. There is a brief moment before your hang glider catches the air properly.
And then it's going to take time before you trust your newfound dynamic wings, and you probably only can get their by doing aerobatics with them. Learn how python handles references, have fun with monkey-patching methods, duck type various animals. Try to learn some ugly tricks.
And although you can't use IronPython for this, there is no reason you can't use it to learn Python.

You're going to experience quite a bit of culture-shock going from C# to the wild duck-typed outback of Python. Lack of types and intellisense can be pretty daunting. Good thing that you're experienced in JavaScript. Also know that indent-sensitive block rules of Python can be very confusing for the inexperience (usually you either love it or hate it :-)
Apart from that the biggest challenge moving from one language to another is usually the framework. Getting to know all the classes and functions Just Takes Time unfortunately.

For an experienced developer learning Python, Dive Into Python is a very good book.
Wesley Chun's Core Python Programming book takes a more "ground up" approach, which may be a little slow for an experienced developer. But it allowed for very easy comparisons of the basic syntax and operators compared to other languages. Wesley's writing style is very easy to read, and his example projects are non-trivial enough to actually be interesting.
The Python Cookbook is an excellent reference for learning to program in a 'Pythonic' way. This book contains hundreds (?) of examples of how to solve common everyday problems with Python. In general, the "Cookbook" series will expose you to the idioms of the language faster than any other book.
Whenever I need to learn a new programming language, I start using it for all the 'daily maintenance' tasks that come up - all the little things that I would normally solve with a shell script or with common unix tools - I start to use the new language to solve those problems. Since you have .NET experience, IronPython is probably a good way to leverage that knowledge while learning Python. Even if you only install IronPython in a personal sandbox...and use it for all your daily busy work coding tasks - that can be a great way to learn the syntax and idioms of Python.

The book Pro IronPython is worth reading too if you have time.

I would recommend just to read a book about it. A book for beginners. It'll contain many stuff you already know but you won't miss anything regarding using a dynamic language. I can point you to Dive into Python, which seems to be very friendly, or The Python Tutorial which seems to be very to the point (that's how I learned).

I would recommend using IronPython to help you learn. It is an implementation of Python on the .NET framework. So you can use/learn Python with access to the .NET class library.
A good place to start is by downloading IronPython and looking at IronPython in Action, which is a very good book looking at Python on the .NET framework.
EDIT: Since IronPython is not an option, disregard this answer. Thanks though.

Software that every programmer makes [closed]

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I'm looking for a personal project. One of the sort that "every programmer"* makes. The reasoning is that most developers have a tendency to work on personal projects that have particular traits interesting to all other developers. Software like:
Bug trackers (made one)
CMS (made one)
Blog Engines (Haven't made one; don't want to)
UI 'libraries' and graphics 'engines' (often for the game development crowd)
Password management programs
I'm looking to make something
fun
interesting
not particularly challenging (my work is difficult - or obscure enough)
doesn't have to be original by any means
preferably an application (ie. not a website)
not a hardcore learning experience, this is entirely for fun away from work
That being said, I find that the terms 'interesting' and 'challenging' don't necessarily carry the same meaning for developers as they do for other people (and often-times are interchangeable - I'm not looking for something easy or trivial). Ditto with the 'learning' part, I like and want to solve problems, but I'm not going to be getting into design methodologies or learning entirely new APIs and Languages to do this.
I ask because I think that certain projects, or types of projects, appeal to developers for particular reasons. I don't claim to know what those reasons are, nor do I care, but I do understand that they exist and that being a developer, there is a strong likelihood that the projects that are suggested will appeal to me.
If it helps, my background or preferred medium, without reciting my resume, is c# development for windows/tablet pcs; xna; db design/programming;
*by "every", I mean, "lots of".

You have XNA experience, and DB experience.
Develop a visualization tool for databases which is visually attractive and makes mining data easier.
This can start as a simple browsing tool and eventually grow to a full-fledged DB management application.

If you haven't written one, knocking together an implementation of Conway's Game of Life is always an interesting challenge. It's also the sort of project that once you get it done leads to seemingly endless tinkering ("I'll just add one more feature...")

Graphics are always fun to play around with, try writing a program to draw a Sierpiński triangle. It's a fairly simple fractal to generate. I once made a screensaver that drew them in random places and colors on the screen.
If you are looking for something more practical, try writing an email or RSS client. Learning to interact with SMTP/POP3 at low level is pretty interesting. Same thing with RSS, it will expose you to network, GUI, and XML design at a minimum.

Maybe write a compiler? I think every artist/craftsman should, at some point, learn how to build the tools of their art or craft.

Write a character generator for the pen-and-paper rpg of your choice.
It should be able to be used in 2 modes: Build-A-Character (which will let you build a character from scratch) and Generate-An-NPC (which, given some guidelines, will generate a decent NPC).
This is actually a project I've been working on for a while, and I've found it fun. YMMV, especially if you don't game regularly.
Edit - figured I'd give some reasons I find it fun.
It's something I and my friends will actually use
It helps me understand the game better, knowing what decisions make a good character
There's some (limited) AI in the random character generation(mainly a simple decision tree with some random jumps)
It's overall fairly simple, a reasonable project for a one-man development team.

I'm looking for a personal project. One of the sort that "every programmer"* makes.
How about writing your own scripting language interpreter?
That's a very common thing to do, which is usually not only a highly educational experience, but also fun and interesting.
Once you are finished with something working, you'll start thinking completely differently about programming, it will change your way of thinking!

A Sudoku game (or Connect Four, Clue, etc.).
Something that relies mostly on logic, and not artificial intelligence (like chess).

How about a ray tracer? It can be very simple if you do everything by brute force.
They are very fun to write and can lead to many interesting problems. Writing a ray tracer meets all your criteria =)

Each and every developer is different. About three years ago I asked exactly your question on some other site. It brought nothing because we all have different interests.
Maybe to make a website with focus on what you like? Like a small community within a university or your other fellows?

In order to learn Ruby, I just recently made a mini DSL/XML generator for a custom XML based language I use in a program of mine. I simply turn some real text into its XML representation. It was just a fun little side project that didn't provide much benefit in the long run but helped me to learn the language.
So... I suggest trying to create a DSL. The experience could actually prove invaluable as DSL's are pretty damn useful.

Write a 3D environment populated by artificially intelligent virtual beings, implemented on a public server, that we can all access using a WPF-based client.

Personally 'interesting' strongly overlaps 'difficult', so I'm kind of at a loss ...
... but perhaps you should take a non-programming interest you may have and try to solve a simple problem in that space.
A friend of mine once built a model railway database so people could track the trains they had. He was trying to sell it, that didn't go so well, but it was simple and fun.

Why not rolling your own
Web MVC framework or
Web templating system or
Persistence framework (+1 if you make an OR-mapper) or
Interceptor-based aspect-oriented framework
But oh, those were the sins of early 2000's.
Something cloudish then? :)

I had fun programming an audio player (like winamp / WMP) to learn .NET before I started my current job. There are free libraries to read MP3 files (and other audio formats), so that gets the complicated part out of the way ;)
An audio player is not too complicated and is good for learning threads, UI, and working with the file system.

I've always had fun trying to play with compilers/interpreters. I started out making pathetic attempts at my own Javascript interactive shell (I had no prior experience or knowledge of compilers/interpreters and just tried to wing it). And now I'm about to start working on writing my own lexer/parser from scratch.
Personally, I find compilers and interpreters interesting. You can use them, or their components as a start of other project ideas too if you wanted. Also, you can play with them in any language of your choice, so it might not be a bad side project if you want to learn or use a new language and aren't sure what to focus on to do it.

I've always enjoyed writing a little physics simulator or the canonical mandlebrot / julia set generator (parallel extensions anyone :)

Some kind of GPS tracker? I never made one but I believe that of lot of devs do.

Write an touch screen game for a Windows mobile device that competes with the iPhone. Maybe like,'Squash the Bug' or something. Chicks dig that kind of stuff.

Search for a good flash puzzle game and implement a solver for it :)

Personally, it based on your own preferences. For me, it was a grade book program. Since I always had teacher friends, they always wanted me to update it. So I first wrote it in Pascal, then wanted to learn C, so I wrote a C version, then a C++ version and so on.
My daughter was playing basketball, so I wanted to keep score and I had a PocketPC at the time, so I wrote a little app for it.
My $.02

How can I become a better C# programmer? [closed]

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When you can create classes and do the simple stuff (GUI, reading text files, etc...), where do I go from here? I've started reading Code Complete 2nd Edition which is great but is more of a general programming book. What topics should I learn next?

I'd argue that, at some point, it's no longer about topics. It's about doing stuff. You gotta write code an you've gotta write a lot of it.
People will often tell you to find some niche problem to try and solve when learning a new language and that's perfectly fine, but if there's an application or feature of an application that you really enjoy using or really admire, attempt to build it (or parts of it) yourself. Even more so, if you find your self wondering Hey, how does [this application] do that?! Try to build it.
Many of your projects may never see the light of day beyond your desktop, but the learning, experience, and tools you'll have under your belt will be something that you can carry over to each subsequent project.
You never know, though, one of those little hobby projects may end up solving a problem for someone.

Not to disagree with the folks who are saying "write stuff," but one topic that you should learn about next is the underlying fundamentals of the CLR -- the workings of the engine that sits behind all of these libraries. A good resource for this is Richter's "CLR Via C#."

Write a desktop RSS reader. You'll get exposure to a bunch of different areas (parsing files, graphical apps, HTTP, the flakiness of the internet), and you might actually use the result on a daily basis. Picking a specific goal or feature to work towards will help you learn more quickly than something abstract.

I agree with most of the answers so far, but I think that if you want to improve as a developer you can benefit greatly by not running solo. Try to find someone who can coach you. Over the years I've made my greatest leeps in depth of understanding by teaming up with programmers who were smarter and more experienced than I was. (They still are :-) )

Learn another language and apply the learned knowledge to C#.
F#, Scala, Haskell - lots to pick :)

Get ReSharper, keep all recommendations enabled and understand them.

Learn best practices and software engineering and how to apply them to C#.
Learn Version Control, TDD, Domain Driven Development, Continuous Integration, MVC, MVP, A handful of patterns: facade, factory, repository vs. active record, etc.
Learn tools that will help you avoid reinventing the wheel: Validation Application Block, NHibernate, etc.
I found this free e-book from the guys at CodeBetter a few days ago:
link text
I haven't read all of it but it looks like a good read.

Try reading the Mono source code to get a look at how a C# compiler written in C# looks. You'll learn so much about the language, compilers, and computer architecture. This is the great benefit of a project with source - you can learn from it.

Visit CodePlex.com and GitHub.com and look for open source projects which you can contribute towards.

looking at q/a of stackoverflow, c# topic. :-D

The best way to learn is to actually get stuck in and build some cool apps, websites, whatever. Its still a good idea to keep up with the various websites to learn new stuff that you might not have come across though.
Maybe build the next facebook or google :)

Also a good way is to get involved in a small project with multiple members (friends maybe), so you can learn from each other and see how other people do their stuff.

Read code
Write code
Test code
Read books (some suggestions), blogs etc.
Repeat

write good unit tests and try to get the code coverage as high as possible

Write code yourself, and read the code that has been written be someone else. But, not anyone else; of a person of whom you're sure that he writes good, clean, smart code.

Work in a team with better programmers - get employed
Work on large open source projects.
I disagree with most people here that learning by building stuff just by yourself is the best way.

Write code, lots of it. And not those fluffy little HelloWorld-type programs.
Find either a real project that interests you or something you've already written that can be converted to C# and do that. Only by doing (and, unfortunately, making copious mistakes) do we learn.

practice, look at open source projects, understand completely what it does and how it does it, especially complex libraries like mocking frameworks, ORM, etc

CLR via C# a great book !! helped(still helping) me a lot understanding the language also you can download the c# language specification book

If you want to become a better C# (replace with any other language), work on large scale applications, the kind that has certain features on 'musts' in it that you know you have no clue how to realize them, yet. All the easy ones around these core 'nuts-to-crack' will help you, too.. it's always good to get used to thinking in large, interwoven dependencies in projects which force you to think through and layout the architecture of your final product upfront.
This isn't particularly c# related, but if you want to become a better developer, these kind of projects (that implicitly include lots of ((c)lean) coding and testing etc etc) are the best learning grounds.
If none of the clients wants to 'give you the chance' to work on such a project with your current skill set just yet, go ahead (or in any case) and start coding on an opensource project and keep friends, colleagues and places like stackoverflow involved.
Be prepared and open to make 'errors' (as you might judge them afterwards)... because only with a gazillion errors made you see the slim/windy path in between them.
That being said, learn to not over-engineer or get tooo perfectionist too early. Bugs will be made, bugs may even remain in a final product considering certain impact conditions etc, learn to live with that as an engineer/developer.

Suggest you read C# in Depth. It is a deep dive into C# that will greatly enhance your understanding of the language. The author, Jon Skeet, is rumored to be a lurker on this site...

With a new language, try to solve some of the Project Euler problems. Improving math and coding at the same time!

How long would it take a non-programmer to learn C#, the .NET Framework, and SQL? [closed]

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I am not that good at programming. I finished my masters degree in electronics. I want to learn C#, the .NET Framework, and SQL. How much time do you think it would take (if I have 5 hours a day to devote to it)? Also, what order do I learn them in? I have Visual Web Developer 2008, is that enough to begin?
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I should have specified that I wish to make a career out .NET Development. I'd like to give myself 2 months to get the 'basics' down. As a developer, what is expected out of you in IT companies? What skillset do they require and what are the responsibilities as a junior or mid-level developer? I don't have any industry experience, will I be able to get a feel of the job duties while at home?

That's like asking how long it would take to learn French:
1 day to learn what it is
1 week to learn it to an infant/elementary level
1 year to be considered a beginner by professionals
Several years to be considered an experienced professional
Plus there's "deep" knowledge of those subjects which a mere mortal such as you or I will never learn
Then again, plenty of people (most normal people, non-programmers) never learn those subjects, so if you're like "most" people then the answer would be "it would take forever" or "it will never happen".

Dive right it, make it a hobby, and have fun :)
Coming from an electronics background myself I can tell you that you should pick it up pretty quickly. And having an electronics background will give you a deeper understanding of the underlying hardware.
IMHO the root of information technology is electronics.
For example..
Think of objects as components.
The .NET framework is essentially drawers full of standard components.
For example you know what a 7400 (NAND gate) is capable of doing. You have a data sheet showing the pin outs and sample configurations. You don't typically care about the circuitry inside. Software objects are the same way. We have inputs and we have methods that do something to the inputs to produce predictable outputs. As developers we typically don't care how the object was written... just that it does what it says it will do.
You also know that you can build additional logic circuits by using two or more NAND gates. This of this as instantiation.
You also know that you can take a NAND gate and place it inside a circuit where you can modify the input signals coming in so the outputs have different behaviors. This is a crude example but you can think of this as inheritance.
I have also learned it helps to have a project to work on. It could be a hobbyist project or a work project. Start small, get something very basic working, and work up from there.
To answer your specific question on "what should I learn first".
1) Take your project you have in mind and break it into steps. For example... get a number from the user, add one to the number, display the result. Think of this as your design.
2) Learn basic C#. Write a simple console application that does something. Learn what an if statement is (this is all boolean logic so it should be somewhat familiar), learn about loops, learn about mathematical operations, learn about functions (subroutines). Play with simple file i/o (reading and writing text files). The basic C# can be thought of as your wiring and discrete components (resistors, caps, transistors, etc) to your chips (object).
3) Learn how to instantiate and use objects from the framework. You have already been doing this but now it's time to delve in further. For example... play with System.Console some more... try making the speaker beep. Also start looking for objects that you may want to use for database work.
4) Learn basic SQL. Lots of help and examples online. Pick a database you want to work with. I personally think MS Access is a great beginners database. I would not use it for multi-user or cross platform desktop applications... but it is a great single user database for Windows users... and it is a great way to learn the basics of SQL. There are other simple free databases available (Open Office has one for example) if you don't want to shell out $ for Access.
5) Expand your app to do something with a database.

Just do it! Don't sweat the details.

Well, it will take you forever. There is so much to learn about programming that 10 years are not enough.
http://norvig.com/21-days.html
Don't get me wrong, you will learn the basics quickly enough, but to become good at it will take much longer.
You should focus on an area and try to make some examples, if you choose web development, start with an hello world web page, then add some code to it. Learn about postbacks, viewstate and Sessions. Try to master ifs, cycles and functions, you really have a lot to cover, it's not easy to say "this is the best way to learn".
I guess in the end you will learn on a need to do basis.

The best thing about C# is that it is very catchy. Easy to pick up, and you'll also have fun doing it.
But .Net framework is a very big library full of wonderful things to discover, and yet again due to the nature of .Net you'll also have fun learning it. It's a coherent, object oriented, well documented library, and C# makes it so simple to work with it that you can simply discover your way through it while coding.
The vast majority of articles, books or resources about .Net and C# simply concentrate on explaining functionality and the framework and far less about how to avoid quirks, workarounds or exceptional cases, like it happens with other languages I don't want to name (*cough C++*) so in the end the experience of learning C# and .Net is very enjoyable from start to finish, and the things you can accomplish using .Net also makes it very rewarding.
You picked a good language to start with, in my opinion, and finally to answer your question, it will take you about:
2 to 3 months to learn the basics
1 to 2 years to become a versed developer
5 years or more to become a expert or, depending on your dedication, a "guru".
But then again, beating the numbers and breaking the limits lies inside human nature. Can you do it faster than this? ;-)

How long is a piece of string? I think this is subjective. I know programmers that have learned an extraordinary amount in a very short time based on the experience that they've exposed themselves to.
Basically, get your hands dirty and you're bound to learn more.

It really depends on what you mean by "learn". You could probably spend a week and get a couple of pages up on the web that had some minimal level of interactivity to save information entered by the user in some database, and then have some other pages for querying and displaying the information. You could then spend the next 10 years of your life learning all the intricacies of the .Net framework, SQL, and mastering using the IDE.

The period of which you are capable of learning really depends on your ability to grasp the logic behind programming while where to learn from depends on your learning style.
If you are a learn-by-a-book type of guy, just jump on Amazon.com and perform a quick search, pick up the book with the best reviews or wait for someone here to recommend a book (I'm not a programming by book guy)
If you prefer screencasts (video feeds demonstrating what to do) or tutorials, then go straight to the source: http://www.asp.net/learn/. There are tons of videos and tutorials explaining everything you need to get started.
Visual Web Developer 2008 Express should be all you need to get started. Basically, the express editions are Visual Studio chopped down to a precise set of functionality to accomplish one thing. They don't have some of the bells and whistles needed for large scale development, but everything you should need.

Can't tell how long it would take, it really depends on your existing knowlege. I managed to learn the C#/.NET 2.0 core basics in about 2 months.
My suggestion to you: Try to learn towards exams, they make sure your learning covers all important parts and also guide you through this new technology. See Microsoft Learning.

If you have any programming experience, you can probably learn the C# syntax in a few hours, and be comfortable with it within a week or so. However, you will not be writing complex structures unless you write a lot of code with it. It's really the same as learning any language: you can learn all the words and grammer fairly quickly, but it takes a while to be fluent.
EDIT
A book you may want to pick up for learning C# is C# in a Nutshell (3.0) which I found to be very useful, and has been recommended by several people here.

If you want to learn, REALLY want to learn, then time is not of consequence. Just move forward everyday. Let your passion for this stuff drive you forward. And one day you'll see that you are good at C#/.NET.

You'll pick up c# fairly quickly (the language syntax is not that complicated). It will take you a long time to really learn the .NET framework, but you'll pick up the heavily used parts of the framework fairly quickly, and you should start seeing patterns in the framework.
My advice to you: don't just learn from a book or website. They will teach you the language and framework, but they will not teach you how to program anything useful.
Writing little code snippets will teach you how to do a very specific tasks, but they do not teach you how to write applications. My suggestion is that you think of an app that might be fun to work on (and doable... e.g. don't think that you're going to write an operating system or crysis or something in a month or two). Personally, when I was learning, wrote my own full featured IRC app, complete with rich text, personal messaging, etc.

The answer in my view is related to whether you have a tangible problem to solve or if you just want to learn for example to be prepared for a possible new job. If you have a problem then you are in better shape. You can start by looking around and seeing how other people went about solving that problem. Languages in general you should be able to pick up fairly quickly (after all you hold an MS in EE, no small feat IMO).
What you need to be on the lookout for is good programming practices. You'll probably see yourself asking "why is this method so small", "why is this method empty and what the heck is this abstract word doing here". That will give you perspective beyond syntax towards good writing.

When I switched careers out of Finance, I took 9 months off to study C++ full-time out of a book by Ivor Horton. I had a lot of support from my best friend, who is a guru, and I had been programming as a hobby since high school (I was 36 at the time).
It's not just the syntax that's an issue. The idea of things like pointers, passing by reference, multi-tiered architectures, struct's vs classes, etc., these all take time to understand and learn to use. And you're adding to that the .Net framework, which is huge and constantly evolving, and SQL, which is a totally different skill set than C#. You also haven't mentioned various subsets of the framework that are becoming more widely used, like WPF, WCF, WF, etc.
You're an academic so you can definitely do it, but it's going to take serious effort for a long time, and you definitely will need some projects to work on and learn from. Good luck to you.

According to Malcolm Gladwell, it will take you 10,000 hours to get really good. So get cracking.

Simple answer: a lot longer than two months. Learning to program competently will take longer than that, no matter what. It took me years to learn to be a competent object-oriented programmer, and I'm good at this stuff.
More detailed answers: it doesn't really matter whether you learn C# or SQL first, as they're very different. I'd probably suggest SQL, as it's easier to learn and more independently useful.
You will have a hard time getting used to the on-the-job realities at home, much as if you were studying plumbing or quantitative finance.
You're going to have a hard time putting all the information together without one or more projects you try to do. You're going to need to have other people to tell you when you're being stupid, when you're being overclever and will pay for it later, and when you're actually getting it.
Try to find an open source project you find vaguely interesting. Study their code. Figure out why they do what they do. Look at the bug list, and try to find something as trivial as possible to fix. Work from there. Learning to contribute is going to teach you things that are useful in the work world, and it will give you something to point at. It will be far easier to get your first job if you have some experience to point to.

All "relativity" aside, not fast. Based on the fact that you said you never programmed before...to become a basic programmer, a few years.
And to become a good to outstanding (using design patterns and industry recognized standards that relate to common standards as defined by ISO/IEC 9126 Standard such as testability, maintainability, etc.) programmer, it takes years of experience and coding often.. you do not become "Sr." or an "Architect" overnight and the same thing is true for a mid-level developer who doesn't code slop.
It's always a process where you improve. So learning is relative. But to learn the basics, seems simple until you start to design classes and interfaces. And even Leads stumble on the basics..doing things wrong. Everyone does. There is so much to be aware of.
If you're just going to be adding features (using classes your Lead or Architect has stubbed out for the team) and not really adding new classes, etc. it's easier....but you should take care in coding using standards and you still have to know complex areas of OOP. But that's not really OOP. When you start to creating classes, interfaces and knowing about inheritance, heap, references, etc. yada yada...and REALLY understanding it takes time no matter how smart you are or think you may be.
So, for a new programmer. Not easy. Be prepared to code a lot. And if you are not, find a job where you are. It's all about coding as much possible so you can get better.
Read these books FIRST. Do not dive into any others out there because they are not geared toward teaching you the language in a way you can get up to speed fast:
http://www.amazon.com/Head-First-Object-Oriented-Analysis-Design/dp/0596008678/ref=pd_bbs_sr_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231280335&sr=8-4
http://www.amazon.com/Head-First-SQL-Brain-Learners/dp/0596526849/ref=pd_bbs_sr_7?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231280335&sr=8-7
http://www.amazon.com/Head-First-C-Brain-Friendly-Guides/dp/0596514824/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231280393&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/First-Design-Patterns-Elisabeth-Freeman/dp/0596007124/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231280393&sr=8-3
they will get you the fasted jump start into understanding, better than any books out there.
Also for these lame type of responses, ignore them:
"Then again, plenty of people (most normal people, non-programmers) never learn those subjects, so if you're like "most" people then the answer would be "it would take forever" or "it will never happen"."
Those come from developers (typically leads) who have some Ego trip that DON'T want you to learn. Everyone learns differently and at different paces and eventually you will become "fast". I get very tired of hearing Sr. developers say statements like this when their sh** also stinks many times no matter how good they are. Instead they should be helping the team to succeed and learn as long as their team is working hard to keep abreast and doing what they can on their own as well (not leachers).
Make sure you try to get a Jr. Level Developer position first...

2-3 months to learn the basics...no way. Unless you're gonna code spaghetti sure. Same goes for the 1-2 years. Spaghetti it is then..

Build on what you already know and have a look at lot of job adverts. E.g I have seen jobs asking for WinForms/WPF AND electronics for the writing of a UI to control a custom bit of hardware.
You may find the “robotics” .net toolkit interesting.
.Net is now too big for anyone to learn both WEB and Desktop so you have to decide the way you are going to go. Web has lots more jobs, but there are very few people with good desktop stills.